Tired of the rollercoaster

I am almost afraid when I start to feel happy because I know there is a drastic drop around the next turn that I just can’t see that will leave me prostrate on the floor in a pool of my own tears. I hate that it sounds so pessimistic of me but that’s what happens. The moment I start to feel even the slightest bit comfortable in a time of peace or happiness, the track seems to fall away and my stomach is in my throat as I white knuckle the safety bar.

Sad thing is, in my head I know that everything is temporary. The pain, the fear, the negative emotions are all just something that is happening right here today and not forever. I also know the feeling that makes my heart feel like hope is just a dream that I’ve been deluding myself into believing is happiness.

I hate this rollercoaster. I want off. Can someone tell the operator to stop so I can climb down? That would be great, thanks.

I had hope that my life was on an upswing this year. I had a job I really liked and someone in my life that I thought was developing into something permanent. The job dissolved and my contract ended without the job offer I had been told repeatedly would be there.

The man.. Well… That’s a bit more complicated. I don’t even know if I want to go into it but suffice to say that what I thought was happening is apparently not happening though I know in my head that he loves me and means it when he says it. It just isn’t enough to secure a commitment and… I suppose I knew this going in but had hoped I could change the answer.

Basically, I am feeling pretty low and yet I feel I still have to try to plaster a pleasant expression on my face so no one feels the need to dig too deep. I only have tears and sorrow and self pity right now. I’m allowed to wallow for a little but. I’m allowed to mourn the loss of dreams. I’m allowed.

I want nothing more than to set everything on fire (not literally) and walk away but I can’t. I’m not allowed to run away any more and I know that will make me stronger in the end. It just sucks right now to feel like I have these garbage feelings and no way to let them out. I feel like I can’t fix anything. I feel like I’ve screwed everything up to the point that I don’t even feel I have anyone to talk to about any of it. There are people in my life that of course say they are there for me and I don’t doubt that I could physically talk to them but they can’t give me the comfort I am seeking. They can’t soothe my soul and the ache in my heart like I need. The ones I can receive that kind of comfort from are not emotionally available to me as they are the issues.

That’s what hurts the most… The people I need are the problem and who do you turn to when your support system can’t support you?

I think I’m going to go silent in my life for awhile because trying to get support from a failing support system by desperately trying to still depend on them is actually hurting me more than if I just stopped speaking to people about what’s actually going on.

So if anyone in my life actually reads this, don’t be alarmed by the radio silence. I’ll be back. I just need some time.

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Lost in translation

Lost in translation.
Struggling to understand a language I’ve never known.
Faltering in the words I choose only to find the tense is wrong.
I’m standing in the rain, trying to listen around the thunder.
At least no one can tell my tears from the water streaming down.
I am lost.
I am alone.
I count the change in my pocket only to realize
It won’t get me home.
Once again, short on change and long on bad luck.
Giving up has never been an option
But it’s looking pretty good right now.
What’s the point when I’m the only one who doesn’t get it?
I’m the weird foreigner standing in the corner
With big eyes, a hopeful heart and a guidebook
From the century long past.
The only thing I’m good for tonight is playing a fool.
Maybe if I play it well enough, someone might laugh.
What’s the point in speaking when no one understands?
I feel like I’m shouting into the wind
And running upstream in a river gone wild.
I am backwards. I am broken. I can’t speak.
The only world I belong in is the one inside my mind
Where words aren’t needed to communicate
And love only pretends to be blind.

-lost in translation : love

Tonight

Tonight i just want to forget that my soul knows you were meant for me. Tonight i just want to memorize how your lips felt against my cheek. Tonight i want to forget how much I would do to make you smile, to hear you laugh, to see your eyes light up. Tonight i want to forget just how much I love you and just how much it meant to me when you said love you too as if you told me that every day. Tonight i want to forget that no man I’ve met in 17 years has elicited the kind of love, devotion, and tears that you have. Tonight i want to forget that the last man I kissed was a poor substitute for even the daydreams I have of what you would taste like, what it would be like to feel your lips against my skin. Tonight i want to forget what it would feel like to know you chose me. Tonight i want to forget you have a family that you chose, that you created…. and it will never in a million years include me even though you love me. Tonight i want to forget what it feels like to be loved by someone you can never have.

Love and Fireflies

Love and Fireflies

I have spent an hour watching different videos about the goodness in human nature and moments of joy they have and spread. I do this sometimes because when things get painful or hard or confusing, I need to be reminded of what the truly important things are. I need to be reminded of the choice I made.

I choose love and fireflies.

I choose moments of joy that I will hold cupped in my hand like a firefly on a dark July evening. I choose to love people, whether others agree with WHO I love or WHY I love or the WAY I love. I will not apologize for grabbing those moments and holding them cupped in my hand for just a minute before releasing it into the night sky, watching it fly away to brighten someone else’s night.

I choose to focus on the small moments of joy. I choose to touch someone’s hand if I want to or feel they need it. I choose to tell them how funny I think they are or how smart. I choose to tell them how important they are to me. I choose to love them in any and every way I can.

There is too much pain, too much sorrow, too much confusion and uncertainty in this world and if I can give you a moment with a firefly, I want to do that. Maybe that moment will light your darkest night. Maybe that moment will be the one that restores your faith. Maybe that one moment will remind you that in the longest, darkest night, you are not alone and I am here and I love you.

I’m not saying I’m someone who makes a difference for a lot of people or even that the difference I make is big. I try to make a difference and that’s all I can ever say. I try. And I will not stop trying. There are periods of time where I lose sight of the important things for a minute and then someone hands me a firefly. And I remember.

So yeah…. I choose love and fireflies.

Stepping on broken glass

Warning: This is a rant of self indulgent crying and feeling sorry for myself. Not sorry. I have nowhere else to vent this and this is my blog so if you don’t like it, stuff it.

I am so tired of crying over this but the tears don’t seem to stop. The ache never seems to stop.

The emotional glass broke in November but I feel like only now am I stepping on the broken shards of it. It fucking hurts.

Why can’t he be strong enough to be my friend even in spite of how he feels about me? Why can’t he be strong enough? It’s bad enough that I care about this man so damn much that I am willing to cross lines I never would have considered before.  It’s bad enough that he has a girlfriend and a kid. It’s bad enough. I could handle all of that. I could handle knowing that I could never have him in my life like I truly wanted. I could deal. I really could. I just wanted … anything… from him. I wanted his smile, his laughter, his sense of humor, time to talk, time to be together in the most platonic of situations. I just want to be with this man who lights me up inside like no one else has ever done.

He says he thinks us being together outside of work would be trouble. I’ve never indicated I would ever cross those lines. Hell, I’ve pushed him back over it so many times. I’ve reminded him I’m trying to be good so he doesn’t cross a line he’ll regret. I respect his relationship. I respect his desire to be faithful (and don’t I half way love him for that?). I can be his friend without crossing those lines. I can do that. Why can’t he?

Part of me reminds myself that it can only mean the feelings are that strong. Part of me is crying hysterically in rage and frustration that he should be stronger. Just strong enough that while we can’t have everything, we could have something. It would be better than nothing.

But… he chooses… nothing. I. Get. NOTHING. Because he’s too weak.

And I am fucking angry at all these faceless people that get to have him in their life. They better know how amazing he is. They just better know. Because I know and I can’t have him even in the most platonic of friendships.

He hugs me every day. He can’t help it. He smiles and the tightness in my chest loosens enough to breathe when I’m struggling with my anxiety. He tells me I’m pretty. He tells me how nice I look. He tells me how good I smell. And I want to be angry and tell him not to say those things because they echo in my ears when I’m alone, amplifying the emptiness of my life.

I asked the universe for him. I asked. I’ve been good. I’ve done the things I’m supposed to do. I’ve played by the rules. I’ve gone without happiness so many times because of what society deemed was right or proper. I have walked through an emotional desert alone waiting for someone to come take my hand. Not just anyone. It had to be someone special. It had to mean something this time. It had to be that one person that made me feel their affection for me. I had to have that this time. I was willing to wait. I did wait. For a very long time.

And then.. there he was.

And now.. I get to wake up and realize it was all a dream I knew I could never have.

Why is it never for me? Everyone else gets to have those moments of basking in the sunshine, surrounded by love and light and that moment of just feeling so amazing because they made you feel amazing.

I’m tired of it never being for me.

People tell me to find someone else who’s available.

I don’t want anyone else. I just want him. I want him in any way I can have him.

Only… he’s too weak to walk beside me and be my friend in any real sense of the word.

And… I am so god damn tired of playing by the rules and getting screwed anyway.

Bittersweet

I always thought when people talked of things being bittersweet that, somehow, it was more sweet than bitter. The adjective took a little bit of the sting out of the thing, somehow. It gave the thing not so serious of a tone, a lighter feeling than just saying something was heart wrenching or gut wrenching.

I was wrong. Bittersweet fucking sucks.

I dreamed of a guy. I was very specific about certain things I really wanted this time. I needed to have these things in a partner. Needed. I’d done without for so long. I just needed these things. Please. I begged the universe. Please, bring me a guy with these things.

I forgot to ask that he be unattached. I forgot to say that I wanted him to be free. I forgot.

Found him. And he found me, apparently.

He has a girlfriend and a kid.

And I’m left watching him, wanting him, wishing I could be with him. I’m left trying desperately not to hurt him with my own pain. I feel so much from him. I know who he is. I know what he is. And I know I can’t have him. And I want to cry in his arms, letting him soothe my broken heart because I can’t have this amazing man that should be mine. I deserve him. I deserve his sweetness, his humor, his kindness, his openness, his willingness to give everything he can within the limits he has. I deserve a man that even though he cares about someone else, values loyalty enough to stay true to his girlfriend when I think he knows I would give him almost anything he asked for, even though I would feel horrible about hurting his family. I would do that for him.

I’m hurting him because I can’t look him in the face. I can’t look at him because I know that seeing the pain in my eyes would hurt him which in turn would hurt me. I’m so fucking screwed. I can’t win.

Every footstep that approaches my desk, my heart leaps, hoping it’s him. I just want to see him smile again. I just want his laughter. I just want it to be like it was before I knew I couldn’t have him and before he knew just how far down the rabbit hole I’d fallen.

I feel like I can’t hold things back from him. I told him everything. I told him how I’d asked for these very specific qualities and it’s him. I had asked the universe for him. And now I can’t have him. He’s right fucking there and I can’t have him. I can’t kiss him when it suits me. I can’t flirt and make him feel like a million bucks. I can’t tease him about how good I can make him feel. Everything has to be filtered now through the “will this hurt him because he can’t follow through?” lens that breaks my heart.

I connect so rarely with souls like his. He lights me up inside. He has essentially told me the same. He says I make his days better. He says I make him feel special. And I go in the bathroom so I can cry where he can’t see the pain that brings me. I want so much for him to see what a miracle he is in my life. I haven’t cared about someone like this in years. There are so few souls that affect me this way and it kills me that I have to hold back so much of what I am, now.

It’s so very rare that I want people in my life. I’m quite happy alone, for the most part, and that has been a bone of contention in my life for a lot of people. I want him. I want to be able to curl up against him and watch a t.v. show, talk about our day, ease our stress, ease our frustrations by just being together and talking or not talking. I want the feel of his heartbeat under my fingers. I want the feel of his fingers in my hair. I want to run my fingers through his beard, watch the light play off the depth of his eyes. I want to hear him breathing while he sleeps. I want to feel his lips against mine in casual kisses and hungry kisses and hello kisses and good bye kisses.

And. I. Can’t. Have. Any. Of. It.

And I’m pissed and angry and hurt and frustrated.

Why? Why would I be allowed to see this guy that is so much of everything I wanted and probably things I need (and won’t admit to) yet I can’t have him? Why? I’ve waited so long for someone who made me feel like I mattered… TRULY mattered… and someone who lit me up inside. Why would I be shown this man and be told that I can’t have him?

I’m so angry.

And yet… if all we can be is friends, I will greedily accept anything I can have. It doesn’t matter if it makes me seem pathetic. I don’t care. I just want him in my life in whatever form I’m allowed to have him.

I can’t lose him. If all I can have is a smile in passing, I’ll take that. I’ll memorize that so I can bring it into the light when the loneliness creeps up on me and I start to feel alone. I can remember he cares about me even though he can’t have me, either.

All I keep thinking is… she better know what she has in him. And she better be good to him because I would do almost anything to be given that chance.

Wish You Were Here

I wish you were here with me.

I wish I could feel the soft brush of your fingers against mine. I wish I could see your deep brown eyes watching me, waiting to see if I’m going to smile or laugh. I wish I could run my fingers through your beard, feel the scratchy scruff that hides your jaw. I wish I could hear the sound of your breathing beside me as we sit together. I wish I could taste your lips in that first soft kiss hello and all the just because kisses that would follow. I wish I could curl up beside you with my hand resting over your heart so I could feel the beat underneath my fingers. I wish I could feel your arms around me in a hug hello or just an embrace while we watch t.v. I wish I could just listen to you talk-about anything and everything you want to tell me or share with me. I wish you would walk through my door-the one I don’t open for anyone.

Even if none of what I wish we could share ever came true, I would still just wish I could be with you.

Anxiety Attack

The fear completely takes over any logic I may have otherwise had.

I start to shake.

My breathing escalates.

My logic takes an even farther dive as my mind is completely caught up in the whirlwind of my destructive thoughts.

 

I must-I have to-but I can’t-I’m losing-I’m failing-they’re going to laugh-how stupid am I that I can’t figure this out-why can’t I just be normal-why can’t I just be okay with making a mistake-why can’t I be okay with not being perfect-they’re waiting for me-I must-I have to-but I can’t- I’m losing-I’m failing-they’re going to laugh-how stupid am I that I can’t figure this out-why can’t I just be normal-why can’t I just be okay with making a mistake-why can’t I be okay with not being perfect-they’re waiting for me- I must-I have to-but I can’t-I’m losing-I’m failing-they’re going to laugh-how stupid am I that I can’t figure this out-why can’t I just be normal-why can’t I just be okay with making a mistake-why can’t I be okay with not being perfect-they’re waiting for me

 

Faster and faster the thoughts swirl, the breath comes tearing in and out of my lungs, and I close my eyes against the burn of the tears I can’t pretend aren’t there. I fight the urge, the very literal urge to run as far and as fast as I can before I collapse into a worthless, sobbing heap of nothing.

 

Even as the voice in my head says : the world will not end because of x-you need to take a breath-close your eyes-take a breath-it’s okay-the world will not end because you don’t have the answer-this life does not revolve around you…. You can be imperfect and the world will not crumble around you.. it’s okay-take a breath-take a breath-take a breath

 

This is me. This is me with an anxiety attack.

Pride Protector

It feels like I have always been the protector and very seldom protected. I am in a place now where I am both and it’s a curious sensation. I feel as if I have found a cave where I can protect the entrance, so to speak, to protect my pride, my pack, my family but when I have need, I can retreat into the depths and be cared for by the others.

There has been a lot of talk in my group of animals and which ones we identify with. It’s curious because I have never identified with animals who are hunters with the exception of the owls that have been with me for some months now. I keep seeing myself as a lion. Not a lioness as you might think, considering my gender but the lion of the pack. I am not in charge and don’t want to be, if I’m honest. I am the muscle. I am a tool to be used when it is required. I can be intimidating, I’m told, and loud and scary when people mess with my pride. Otherwise, I’m content to lay under a tree and nap. Maybe I am intimidating because it is not often I have need to throw my weight around so when I do, people understand just how serious the situation is.

I am a creature of extremes. I always have been though the extremes have rarely been truly tested as they have been in the last year. I have crawled out of my deepest pit of hell on my hands and knees and been raised to my highest heaven, to be told by the Universe just how much I am loved. I try my hardest to be loving and kind and considerate. I’m not saying I succeed, only that I try. Even when someone hurts me or makes me mad, I try to see their side of things so I rarely truly lose my temper. I have lost my temper twice in the last month alone and seriously concerned people around me.

The violence that has been forced to the surface due to recent events saddens me greatly but I feel like I have to give myself a break on this because I am only drawn to violence in times of protection. If I feel my pride is threatened, I will snarl and growl and show my teeth in warning. If you continue to advance on me or mine, I will not hesitate to do what I feel needs to be done to keep them safe. I do not claim many but the few I do, I defend fiercely. My natural instinct is to apologize for that but I am not sorry. I can’t be sorry for protecting my family.

My pride is amazing and, if I think on it, they make me cry. I have found love there that I never imagined existed for a creature like me. I have always fooled myself into believing I was such a strong person because I was alone and I didn’t need anyone. I could be a lion, walking the plains alone, doing what I wanted, when I wanted and there was no one there to put me in check or keep me going when I was discouraged or tired. It has taken me longer to get to where I needed to be emotionally because I was alone and thought that was the only way.

I have learned how much stronger I have to be to let these people in to my life, to be vulnerable enough to show them my pain, the wounds I have hidden and tried to bandage on my own. They have shown me how much stronger I can be as part of a pride because to be a strong unit, you have to be able to depend on these people which needs a level of trust I’ve never known or been asked for. They have asked me to be more than I ever thought I could be and shown me that it’s all possible because the pride is always there to support you and love you through everything. We will keep each other warm and keep each other going when it feels like things aren’t going our way.

So… yes, I feel like a lion and I am proud to protect this pride.