I am almost afraid when I start to feel happy because I know there is a drastic drop around the next turn that I just can’t see that will leave me prostrate on the floor in a pool of my own tears. I hate that it sounds so pessimistic of me but that’s what happens. The moment I start to feel even the slightest bit comfortable in a time of peace or happiness, the track seems to fall away and my stomach is in my throat as I white knuckle the safety bar.
Sad thing is, in my head I know that everything is temporary. The pain, the fear, the negative emotions are all just something that is happening right here today and not forever. I also know the feeling that makes my heart feel like hope is just a dream that I’ve been deluding myself into believing is happiness.
I hate this rollercoaster. I want off. Can someone tell the operator to stop so I can climb down? That would be great, thanks.
I had hope that my life was on an upswing this year. I had a job I really liked and someone in my life that I thought was developing into something permanent. The job dissolved and my contract ended without the job offer I had been told repeatedly would be there.
The man.. Well… That’s a bit more complicated. I don’t even know if I want to go into it but suffice to say that what I thought was happening is apparently not happening though I know in my head that he loves me and means it when he says it. It just isn’t enough to secure a commitment and… I suppose I knew this going in but had hoped I could change the answer.
Basically, I am feeling pretty low and yet I feel I still have to try to plaster a pleasant expression on my face so no one feels the need to dig too deep. I only have tears and sorrow and self pity right now. I’m allowed to wallow for a little but. I’m allowed to mourn the loss of dreams. I’m allowed.
I want nothing more than to set everything on fire (not literally) and walk away but I can’t. I’m not allowed to run away any more and I know that will make me stronger in the end. It just sucks right now to feel like I have these garbage feelings and no way to let them out. I feel like I can’t fix anything. I feel like I’ve screwed everything up to the point that I don’t even feel I have anyone to talk to about any of it. There are people in my life that of course say they are there for me and I don’t doubt that I could physically talk to them but they can’t give me the comfort I am seeking. They can’t soothe my soul and the ache in my heart like I need. The ones I can receive that kind of comfort from are not emotionally available to me as they are the issues.
That’s what hurts the most… The people I need are the problem and who do you turn to when your support system can’t support you?
I think I’m going to go silent in my life for awhile because trying to get support from a failing support system by desperately trying to still depend on them is actually hurting me more than if I just stopped speaking to people about what’s actually going on.
So if anyone in my life actually reads this, don’t be alarmed by the radio silence. I’ll be back. I just need some time.