The Play

These are strange times for me. Very strange times, indeed.

I have been forced to make hard choices in my life this year that have left me very disoriented with a feeling that my life has become some sort of surreal play I’ve been thrust into with no script, no real idea of where I’m supposed to stand, where I’m supposed to go. There have been more than a few moments of sheer, blind panic wondering what the hell I just did to my life but, for the most part, I’m being shown that this down time I’m being forced to take because of the decisions I had to make is just an intermission.

The first part of my life was filled with people and situations where I was forced to obey rules that I did not understand and did not agree with. I was continuously being forced into a mold that did not fit me and did nothing but leave bruises and scars on my soul because even when I cried out, they shoved me back in anyway. I felt like a puppet and, at some point, I gave in. I let them pull my strings. I let them move my feet and let the ventriloquist put words in my mouth that did not come from me. I was given labels time and time again that did not reflect who or what I was and, in some cases, were blatant lies that burned when I touched them. I did not know that I could cut the strings. I did not know that was an option. I’d forgotten how to fight.

In this last act, as the curtain came across the stage, I saw it all for the smoke and mirrors that it was. As the lights came up, I remembered that small voice that used to sing in my head of dreams and wishes that had to be hidden from the light. They were there, though, to keep me company when I needed a place to hide from the puppet masters. Over time, the voice faded and my dreams and wishes were forgotten. That fire that had burned inside me, flickered and was reduced to an ember.

An unexpected person came into my life, a public figure that I may likely never have the honor of meeting, but they came in like a spring breeze, blowing on that ember I’d forgotten was even there. I listened to their voice and it stirred my memories of that small voice I’d had once. Their voice was different than mine but similar at the same time. I felt that ember sputter and try mightily to cling to the tiny spark of life the breeze was trying to provide. To see the light returning brought tears to my eyes as small snippets of my dreams and wishes came back to me, reminding me of who I was in spite of being told I had to be someone else.  This person didn’t tell me I had to be that other person. They begged me to fan the flame and to sing loud with the voice I had been given. They begged me to let my weird light shine and to be everything I was born to be, even if others could not accept this new creature I had become.

It’s a strange time for me as I let the light grow brighter than it ever was before. I am fanning the flames furiously because as the light grows, I am finding things I had hidden inside me that I’ve never seen. I am finding that I am not the person I always thought I was. Part of that is very good and part of that has actually made me sad, made me realize that I have more changes yet to make. Some of the revisions will be much more difficult than others but they are necessary and long overdue.

I am entering a new stage that will require a lot of re-training on my part in order for me to undo things I have been taught all my life. It’s hard to break the old mold because I am not sure anymore what I will see reflected in the eyes of my audience.

I will no longer apologize for my life. I will no longer preface things I am passionate about with “I know this is stupid but…”. I will not give every ounce of myself to everyone else so that there is nothing left for myself in my own hour of need.  I will not burn so others may be warm. I will strive to not be afraid of the pain of being rejected if I put myself out there and I am true to who and what I am. I am not ashamed of what I am. I am prepared to stand alone if no one understands.

I hope I’m not alone when I step out on the stage again. I’ve been surrounded by people all my life and felt more alone than they will ever imagine. I cling to the hope that if I stand in my truth in the center of that spotlight, that love may yet come find me but if it doesn’t, at least I know I was being true to myself for the first time in my life.